


idfc

by bloodiedknees



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, also edward cullen makes an appearance, grumpy grandpa raphael is real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:57:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodiedknees/pseuds/bloodiedknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See you tonight :-)<br/>Raphael squinted down at his phone in confusion. “See you tonight. Colon, hyphen, closed-parenthesis.”<br/>Lily peeked over his shoulder. “That’s a smiley face dumbass.”</p><p>In which Simon tries to bring Raphael into the twenty-first century, and he is not having it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	idfc

Raphael Santiago didn’t understand technology. He had been born before most of it had been invented and once he was turned he couldn’t be bothered with trying to learn. He spent most of his life around vampires that were older than even him; there was no point in keeping up with the never-ending barrage of technological advancements. He was content with his books and typewriters and his non-existent knowledge of whatever an iPod was.

That was until Simon came to live at the Hotel DuMort, bringing with him every conceivable piece of technology he could fit into two suitcases and a backpack. It seemed, to Raphael, that there was a new gadget every day. One morning it would be an iPhone and the next afternoon it was something called a Gameboy. He didn’t care what they did or what they were called or why Simon clung to them like they were his life’s-blood, he just wanted to go back to his books and forget about who ever Steve Jobs was.

Simon tried to teach him what each did at one point. He offered it after one of their training sessions, suggesting that Raphael, “needed to be brought into the twenty-first fucking century.” He had agreed, which surprised Simon enough that he dropped the staff they’d been using for training on his foot earning him two broken toes and a ‘you’re-an-idiot-fledgling’ slap on the side of the head from Raphael.

But Simon lived up to his word, as soon he was able to hobble out of his room without Lily and Gabriel’s assistance to drag him around, he started teaching him about all the functions Raphael’s phone really had. This lead to a ten-minute shouting match over which song Simon should set as a ringtone for himself. Raphael had banned him from using anything that started with words like _vampires_ and ended with ones like _Dracula_. Simon had attempted to make the case that it would be “hilarious because we’re vampires Raphael, get it?” Raphael had, surprisingly enough, gotten the joke and had decided that it was not as funny as Simon advertised. They eventually settled on the Imperial March – Raphael thought it was ludicrous; Simon was in no way intimidating or Dark Side material – which set him off on another ten-minute bend about Anakin Skywalker and the secret, comedic genius behind the line ‘ _I hate sand_ ’.

 

* * *

 

“You’re trying to kill him, Raphael.”

“Why? What has he done to me?”

Simon groaned from the other end of the couch. “It’s a video game, it doesn’t matter what he did to you. You kill him anyway.”

Raphael hissed as a red light flashed across the screen, signaling a near fatal shot. “It’s a stupid game. Why can’t you play something more intellectually stimulating like chess or bridge?”

“This is perfectly stimulating enough. At least it used to be, you know, when I had a blood pressure.”

Raphael’s fingers slipped on the controls and his side of the screen went black. He growled at the darkened television. “ _Dios_ , what’s the point if you can die from five bullets?”

Simon fixed him with a withering look. “Most normal people can’t survive one.”

He threw his controller down towards Simon’s end of the couch and sunk back against the cushions. “Can I go back to my book now?”

“No, our lesson for today isn’t finished yet. We’re moving on to Grand Theft Auto and if you thought Call of Duty was pointless, you’re _really_ going to hate this.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Simon.” Raphael shook him violently. “Simon, what do I do?”

Simon rolled over and grunted in reassurance that he was, in fact, awake. “What do you mean, Raphael?”

“It keeps ringing.” He pushed the phone into Simon’s face. “Why does it keep doing this?”

Simon wrestled the phone from Raphael’s hand. “You’re getting a call.”

“Why?”

“Because someone knows your number.”

“Why?”

He muttered something that sounded a lot like _‘I wish I’d fucking died the first time’_ which Raphael pointedly ignored. Simon answered the phone with a cheerful tone that was far too light this time of night. After a few minutes of headache inducing rambling, Simon hung up and handed it back with a wide smile on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” Raphael growled.

“It was Clary, she just wanted to say hi.”

Raphael narrowed his eyes. “Why the hell does that shadowhunter have my phone number?”

“I gave it to her.”

“ _Dios_ , Simon. Why?”

He shrugged and rolled over, disappearing beneath the mound of blankets on his bed. “I wanted to see if all the hard work I’m putting into our lessons is paying off.” His head appeared briefly, gracing Raphael with a grin. “Obviously it isn’t.”

Raphael returned Simon’s teasing with a look of distain. Which in turn only gained him a pout from the currently blanket drowned fledgling. He huffed and rose from Simon’s bed, starting towards his room still, unfortunately, in possession of that damned phone.

“ _Te odio._ ” Raphael announced to the dark room and the lumpy bed sheets.

“No you don’t.” They mumbled back.

Raphael smiled softly; no, he definitely didn’t.

           

* * *

 

 

_See you tonight :-)_

Raphael squinted down at his phone in confusion. “See you tonight. Colon, hyphen, closed-parenthesis.”

Lily peeked over his shoulder. “That’s a smiley face dumbass.”

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“I know things Rafa.”

He rolled his eyes, “Whatever, just tell me how to respond.”

Lily shook her head, “Hell no, you respond to your boyfriend yourself. It’ll be good for you, clear up that emotional constipation you’ve had for the last fifty years.”

Raphael swore under his breath and shot a glare in her general direction. “I’m perfectly able to express my emotions, Lily.”

“You didn’t object to me calling Simon your boyfriend.” She grinned. “Maybe you aren’t an emotional desert after all.”

He tried to form a rebuttal strong enough to wipe the smile off her face but she was already making a swift exit, throwing a cheeky ‘Tell Simon you love him from me’ over her shoulder and vanishing around the doorframe.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon clapped his hands together, a slight smile spreading over his face. Raphael fidgeted on his side of the bed in anticipation; he knew that look in Simon’s eyes meant that he had something devious planned that would end up only being amusing to him and definitely being a headache for Raphael.

“Today’s lesson isn’t about the technological wonders of the twenty-first century.” Raphael sighed in relief. “But it is about pop culture, which I’m assuming from your hermit-like lifestyle you don’t know much about.”

Raphael shot him a look but Simon was too busy fumbling around in his backpack to notice. A few seconds later he popped up from his precarious perch on the edge of the bed with a dented DVD case in his hands.

“ _Twilight._ ” He said, attempting to make jazz hands with his remaining free hand. “The simultaneously worst and greatest vampire saga anyone has ever witnessed.”

Raphael shook his head, “No, no. I’m not watching that.”

“But you haven’t even seen it yet.”

He crossed his arms and continued shaking his head, attempting to make his displeasure as well known as possible. “I will not watch that.”

“Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t watch this.”

Raphael sniffed and raised his chin in defiance, “Edward Cullen is too dramatic.”

Simon’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Edward Cullen is too dramatic? Edward fucking Cullen is too dramatic for _you_?” He waved the _Twilight_ DVD around violently as he spoke. “Just last week I saw you wearing a black, silk dressing gown. And at least once during the day you collapsed onto a couch while sighing.”

“He broods too much.”

“Your middle name is ‘Brooding’.”

“My middle name is Matías.” He snatched the DVD from Simon’s grasp before he hit either himself or Raphael in the face. “But that’s beside the point. I will not watch that inaccurate movie about vampires who walk around in the sun and hang out with Daylighters.”

“Please.”

“No.”

Simon tilted his head and fixed Raphael with his infamous puppy eyes. “Please, Raphael.”

Raphael figured himself to be a strong individual. He’d been through wars and watched friends die, fought with blood on his hands and stood face to face with the worst monsters this world had to offer. Through all that he had never once broken, no matter what atrocities had occurred, but goddamn if Simon’s wide brown eyes weren’t convincing; and before he knew what was happening Raphael had agreed to sit through two hours of the worst movie about vampires ever made.

It wasn’t as bad as he’d expected – that was a secret he would take to his grave – and he ended up enjoying it for a little while. He laughed when Simon did, their voices mixing over the sound of rain droplets and Bella Swan’s voiceovers, and he rolled his eyes when Simon pointed out a dramatic thing that he was positive Raphael and Edward Cullen had in common. At some point he and Simon had shifted closer, their shoulders pressed together and their thighs only centimeters apart; it was comfortable and familiar, even though he was pretty sure Simon’s pointy shoulders were going to leave a bruise. Yet he didn’t complain about their proximity, not once, not even when Simon’s hand slipped in his. Old Raphael would’ve pulled away; he would’ve told Simon that he couldn’t have feelings, that clan leaders and fledglings didn’t mix. But this was New Raphael, and New Raphael didn’t pull away, he moved closer until there was no distance between him and Simon, and he held onto Simon’s hand like it was the last lifeboat at the end of the world.

           

**Author's Note:**

> if this isn't the most random fic in the whole world idk what is. s/o my lovely grandmother for inspiring me for the phone ringing part. come chat w me on tumblr (@boyeuga) any time!!!!


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